All-Inclusive
can get one riled up (or is that
ultra-riled?)
by Steve
Trotter
Special
to The Herald
PARADISE
ISLAND, The Bahamas
—The honeymoon was over in less than an hour. All because the other
woman, a twenty-something blonde, wanted to charge me for a simple
pleasure I thought I’d already paid for. A bottle of Perrier mineral
water.
“Perrier isn’t included
with meals; it’s a bar item,” the blonde woman
explained, flashing an I-don’t-make-the-rules smile at the middle-age
tourist who wouldn’t take no, or a club soda, for an answer.
“Let it go, sweetheart,
it’s not worth getting yourself worked up
over,” my new bride said, “Have some bottled spring water instead.”
“Sorry,” the waitress
sighed. “that’s a bar item, too.”
The irony of being at an
all-inclusive resort where wine and beer
flowed freely at lunch and dinner but mineral water cost U.S. $8 a
bottle wasn’t lost on two people who don’t drink alcohol. Nor was the
insanity of shelling out close to $300 in one week for water.
STRANGE
DREAMS
Accepting the hard news
that all-inclusive did not mean all-inclusive
was difficult to keep bottled up, let alone swallow. But I handled it
like a man. I swallowed my pride and sulked. Here I was with my
beautiful bride in the Bahamas, where everything was supposed to be
better, and all I could do was obsess about having to pay obscene
prices for water. After finally falling asleep that night, I dreamed
about a conga line of Club Med animators snaking around my wallet
chanting Hands Up, Baby, Hands Up, before breaking into an off-key
rendition of the Sun Dance song as they danced around an ice cold
bottle of Perrier.
I awoke from the nightmare
vowing the resort or my travel agent,
whoever was responsible for having misled me, would be held accountable
for ruining what was supposed to have been a perfect honeymoon… water
included. I was determined that someone had to pay for making me pay.
The identity of the guilty party came to me the minute the shower water
slapped me on the head. It was the guy who slept with my wife last
night. Me. I was the one who made the big mistake of assuming that
all-inclusive meant all-inclusive, not sort-of-inclusive.
OWN
DEFINITIONS
The New Oxford Dictionary’s
definition of all-inclusive is as clear as
the Caribbean Sea: “including everything or everyone.” I know. I looked
it up as soon as I got home. The travel industry’s definition is more
difficult to find than a black pearl in an oil spill. Believe it or
not, each all-inclusive resort writes its own interpretation.
Confusing the issue
further, there are Ultra All-Inclusives,
Super-Inclusives, and Spa-Inclusives. Each category differs in the
quality, quantity and frequency of what they include in the respective
price of admission.
As a rule of thumb,
All-Inclusives include activities, non-motorized
water sports, entertainment, three buffet-style meals, alcohol and
non-alcohol beverages – with the exception of Club Med which includes
beer, wine and alcohol-free beverages with lunch and dinner only. For
the 2003 season, Club Med has introduced an open bar option at select
villages for an additional charge.
Ultra-All-Inclusives
Sandals and Beaches resorts include gourmet
à la carte dining at several theme restaurants, entertainment,
golf, various land activities and water sports, SCUBA diving for
certified divers, premium alcohol, snacks, and luxury accommodations.
SuperClubs Super-Inclusive
resorts Grand Lido, Breezes and Hedonism
provide all the above plus 24-hour room service, unlimited Champagne
and premium liquor, manicures, pedicures, and valet service. Grand Lido
Negril includes a sunset cruise aboard Princess Grace’s 147-foot
honeymoon yacht.
Spa Inclusives Le Sport, La
Source and Rendezvous, include a variety of
spa treatments, activities, water sports, opulent accommodations, and
fine cuisine tailored to calorie conscious clients. The number and
frequency of spa treatments vary with rates.
HIDDEN
CHARGES
Before my Perrier Affair I
didn’t have a clue about the secret world of
all-inclusives. It’s a minefield of hidden charges that can explode at
any second. And nobody is immune, including the experts.
“I recall staying at
a resort where tennis was included, but
there was a charge for turning on the lights to play in the evening,”
said John Issa, executive chairman of SuperClubs.
If even the Great Guru of
all-inclusives can laugh off his experience,
I realized it wasn’t just me getting blindsided by hidden costs.
Probably thousands of other unsuspecting travelers are too. But I
consider myself wiser for the experience.
Given my affinity
for
bottled water I should have asked my travel agent
if it was included, instead of simply assuming. If a good night’s sleep
is important to you, ask what kind of mattress you’ll be getting.
Sandals, for example, uses Serta. If you want to sail, ask how many
boats there are: they might have only two Sunfish and a waiting list of
wannabe skippers so deep you won’t get your turn till the year 2009. Do
not take anything you read in a brochure at face value. During a
research assignment at Sol Cayo Santa Maria in Cuba last July, I
discovered that although snorkeling is included as advertised, I had to
pay U.S.$ 5 to get to where the fish are. At Club Med Paradise Island,
meanwhile, I was whisked to a snorkeling parking lot aboard a modern
dive boat.
An all-inclusive escape can
be everything you dreamed it would be. All
you have to do is ask your travel agent all the right questions - and
get recent traveler testimonials on your own. Don’t rely solely on
information from an agent who is working on commission.
Experience is indeed the
best teacher, which is why I know that my next
Club Med adventure is going to be pitcher perfect. I’m bringing
my own water.
TEN
QUESTIONS TO ASK
It’s a competitive jungle
out there, teeming with all-inclusives
hunting for one thing: your business. This is great news if you don’t
take all at face value and get the right answers to the following
questions:
1) Are food, alcohol, soda,
juice and bottled water available
free-of-charge between meals? Are they available 24/7?
2) Is there an extra charge
for à la carte dining, or dishes
like lobster?
3) Are there restrictions
on how many evenings you can dine à la
carte?
4) Is tipping completely
included?
5) Exactly what taxes and
service charges will there be?
6) What land and water
activities are included?
7) Are there any
restrictions on activities? If SCUBA is included, ask
if there is a limit, other than for safety reasons, on the number of
dives you can make
8) Is airfare included?
What if I can find better rates on my own or
want to use my
frequent flyer miles?
9) Is there a doctor (or
registered nurse) in the house 24/7?
10) What is not included?
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